The Art Of True Listening In Communication

Have you ever had the experience of talking to someone face to face and their eyes are darting off all over the place, someone walks behind them and they turn away from you and follow the passer by while you are in mid sentence? Or they try to discreetly glance at their watch while you are having a conversation with them?

Try holding a conversation with someone watching television or working at their computer. They may argue that they are listening to you but they cannot have their full attention on two things at once.

The person who keeps finishing your sentences for you then starts talking about something totally unrelated to what you were telling them can make you feel disregarded and ignored.

Worse still is when you are in a group of people and you are trying to say something and people keep butting in over the top so the conversation keeps getting fragmented and no conversation seems to get finished.

We all want to be heard in life but is anyone really listening? Hearing and listening are two distinct processes. Hearing is registering noise via your ear canal, to the brain e.g., the sound of the wind, the mailman's motorbike, a neighbor calling his dog, a child laughing, a steam train whistling in the distance.

We hear a multitude of sounds every day, hearing is happening all the time and we don't have to try. Hearing just happens automatically.

The art of listening

Listening on the other hand is a more distinct process. We hear something and our curiosity is then aroused so we listen, sometimes intensely so we can tune in to the finer distinctions.

In relationships, the skill of listening is an art form and one of the most integral and critical areas of fully relating. To really understand a person we must listen to what they are saying. When we listen without prejudice or preconceived ideas about the person, we can learn a lot in a short time. The more we get to know a person by listening to them the more pertinent our questions will be and the more resourceful they will become.

I know that most people have all the resources they need already to find the solutions to their own problems, they just don't know that they do. If you become a good listener, you can get to know what key senses dominates a persons way of learning by the distinctions in their language, that is, if they are visual they will use words such as "I see", "I can picture that", or if auditory they will use words such as "it sounds like" or "clear as a bell". The third type is Kinesthetic and they will say "I feel" or "I sense".

When we are really listened to, we feel validated and cared about. We get a chance to hear ourselves verbalize our internal chatter. We also get the chance to be really resourceful and come up with some great ideas if our listener can focus and L.I.S.T.E.N and rally back some well-formed questions.

Here are 6 steps to becoming a good listener:

Look at the person

1. Look at who is talking to you. Listen in a whole body way. Adjust your body to face them where possible, soft focusing on their eyes or looking at the central point on their forehead between their eyebrows is a good place to focus if you find eye to eye too confronting. Don't confuse this with staring as sometimes when listening to people while we are thinking about what they are saying, it is natural to move our eyes diagonally while we calibrate what is being said. Listening with all of our senses is what is known as 'engaging' and will be felt positively by the person who is talking.

When talking to small children, it is less intimidating to them if you can kneel down or sit so you can be on the same eye level. That way, you won't be towering over them and they will feel more comfortable.

Impartiality

2. Non-attachment to what is being said to you is of vital importance. This doesn't mean you sit there like an unemotional robot, but don't go jumping in tearing down a person's opinion just because you don't agree with it, or go diving in to give some ready-made solutions because you think you know how to fix everything. The idea is to let the person talking to you come up with their own solutions using their own resources, unless they ask you for advice which of course is then an invitation for you to be resourceful. It is ok to say you don't have an answer or you don't know, if you really don't, as being in integrity is a must.

Selective questioning

3. Asking the right questions is an art that anyone can learn. Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) teaches a model called the Meta model which has a wonderful range of questioning such as "What would happen if you went ahead with", "What would happen if you didn't?"

Begin sentences with words like "what" "if" "when" "where" and "how" so that you can help the person to find their own answers.: ? If you did A instead of B, what would the benefits be? ? What would happen if you applied for a new job? What would happen if you didn't? ? Where do you think you will be in 5 years time if you did that course you always wanted to do? Where will you be if you don't do it? What will it take for you to start? How will you ensure that you will see it through to completion? What is your first step towards your goal? What can you do right now to make a start?

This really is an awesome method to get a person who thinks they are stuck in a problem to really look at their options, strengths, fears, and emotions and know how to find solutions that are positive and will work for them (not what we think will work for them). We are always empowered when we can make clear, defined decisions and find the resources within our own selves to do so.

Using the meta model, you can be a guide to help others and you will be amazed at just how resourceful people can really be.

Translate.

4. Do you understanding what is being said? If not then ask the person to repeat or explain what they said or you can repeat back to them what you heard if you are feeling confused eg "So are you saying that on your first day of work you had a confrontation with your boss?"

The person talking to you will see this as validation that you are taking an interest in what they are saying and that you are fully engaged. The reason why some counselors are so successful is because they practice these techniques amongst others and they find that the person speaking opens up to them significantly. You cannot respond adequately to someone if you don't understand what they are saying.

Empathy

5. Empathy needs to be accurate, meaning a good listener will try his best to really understand where the person is coming from, being sensitive to their feelings and honing in on what the person is really conveying. Empathy is akin to "walking in another mans shoes" and imagining what it would be like to be that person in their circumstances, not what we would do in those circumstances because there is a big difference. The resources and information we have will not be the same as the other person.

Natural

6. Being relaxed and natural is how we need to be when listening. From what you have read so far, it will be obvious that you don't have the answer, the person who is talking to you does and the skill is to help them find it. So you can relax and enjoy listening, engaging and really opening yourself up to the magic of true communication. Even in the pauses between conversations, it's a good time to reflect on what is being said, what you have heard rather than filling the space verbally because you may feel uncomfortable with the silence. True listening takes practice, but it is a skill worth pursuing if you want to be an empathic and effective communicator.

Source: http://ezinearticles.com/6306319

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